Saturday, July 23, 2011

Have you ever played a kink scene with someone who you are not sexually attracted to?

I've done some kink instructionals with some people that I wasn't attracted to, but not full private scenes. Oh, and some light public play

Sex, gender, life

Is it wrong to play a kink scene with someone who you are not sexually attracted to?

Kink play isn't about sexual attraction. But there should be some sort of attraction, at least to the scene. There should be communication between the players though about the scene.

Sex, gender, life

Sex at a Science Museum?


Today I went to the Nemo, which is Amsterdam's biggest science museum. http://www.e-nemo.nl/


It's pretty epic, about five floors of different exhibits that cover facts about space, chemistry, physics, electricity, genetics, aaaaannnnnd.....SEX!

Oh yes, they teach sex in an all ages science museum. In fact, there is an entire floor called the "Teen Center" which teaches about sexuality, sex, and gender. Not just teens attend the exhibit, but families with their children as well. Through videos, hands on education centers, and computer quizzes about personality and sexual identity.


Sign that advertises the exhibit

There is also an area called "Let's Talk About Sex", where people ages 10 and up can come in and learn more about sex in-depth.

It also resembles the red light district, with booths on the inside that you can insert coins into and learn facts and test your sex knowledge.
In one of the booths there is a sex knowledge quiz that I took, to se that exactly they would cover. Wow, was I amazed. Not only did they ask questions about the frequency of female masturbation, but they also asked about if there is a connection between porn-watchers and child molesters (answer is no) and other pretty interesting sex questions about hymans and virginity.


I scored 100%. Yeaaaaahhhhh.

On the wall is a bunch of facts about sex myths




In another booth they give you information about erogenous zones


They also have a display of different sex positions using wooden figures


Overall I was pretty impressed with the amount of information that is covered in this exhibit, and how open and free everything is.

Oh, and here is a picture from a test that used my pulse to rate my reaction to different images. They showed bugs, and babies, and kittens, and people eating spiders, and violence. Here is the picture that got my pulse rating the most:

Monday, July 18, 2011

For the Love of Violence

Let me start off with an explanation that I am in a consensual sado-masochistic relationship and that all stories of my kink life are done safely, sanely, and consensually.

My latest course in Amsterdam is on Young Sexualities. Part of our research involves reading studies surround the concept of love and violence in South Africa. In some parts ofSouth Africa, violence against women, especially in youth, is tolerated and promoted as an act of masculinity. Currently I am reading an article about how injuries are beyond love, that they show an aspect of ownership and are also a way for the male to vent off his frustrations. Many women reported that they encouraged getting a "take-five" (face slap) because it showed love, that they cared. A lack of care is indicated if she was severely hurt and he wouldn't take her to the clinic, or wouldn't apologize afterwards.

I sit here reading this while talking to my partner about all the terrible things he has planned for me when I return from my trip. He plans to hit me, hurt me, punish me for talking back at him. And I blush and smile, glad that he is able to show how much he cares for me.

(On a more coincidental note, I am also listening to "Sister" by She Wants Revenge. "You can hurt me, do whatever you like" is part of the chorus. It's one of my favorite songs.)

It's very important to understand the difference between kinky relationship violence, and actual abuse. Some will assume that I am perverse for doing these readings whilst negotiating a violent scene for when I am back home.
There is a clear distinction for me between being slapped across the face for purposefully incorrectly following protocol (aka being bratty), and "taking-five" for having a cheeky demeanor. Though one can debate that these women who live under the delusion that being hit equals being cared for live under the same perverse delusion tent that I live under, believing that when my partner throws me to the ground and gives me a black eye, it is because we have an intimate connection. For me the real difference is that when I red out, it is listened to. I choose to be in this lovely fucked up relationship and can choose to stop it if I want to. These women can't. They are trapped by social pressure and living conditions, with no opportunity to red out of life.

Violence for me is sexy. To be more specific, pre-consented-"non-consensual"-violence-that-I-have-the-right-to-stop-even-though-personally-I-probably-won't-unless-somethings-going-really-wrong for me is sexy. There is a difference between actual violence, and my own kink definition, whether or not it may be clear.

Non-consensual violence, whether in the South African community or the kink community, should never be tolerated.

Are you happy with the age of consent?

I believe in instead of focusing on the age of consent we should look at the age in which we teach sexuality education and if so, how comprehensive the material is. Creating a society where the age of consent is 18 and there is barely any comprehensive sex ed programs for youth does not produce a safe space. We should focus on knowledge and harm reduction for youth verses creating laws intended for protection.

Sex, gender, life

Friday, July 15, 2011

Is there something wrong with someone if they can't achieve orgasm?

Orgasm is different for everyone. There's so much pressure on sexually active people to have an orgasm, that many don't because of it. Its even possible that someone has had an orgasm and not realized it due to expecting something different. I suggest reading The Multi-Orgasmic series by Rachel Abrams and co. It will give you information about orgasms and different techniques to achieving one. Don't be discouraged! Everyones body is different, as well as what arouses them.

Sex, gender, life

Red Light District tour

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Friday, July 8, 2011

Avi Get's Tested


While visiting an Amsterdam leather sex shop (you know, for research), I came across this very lovely sign.

While I was staring at the poster, the shop manager asked me nonchalantly, "Would you like to get tested?" I said sure. There's not many times that one is offered free full STI screening, especially in the middle of a sex shop in Amsterdam. It would be silly of me as a sex educator and enthusiast to say no. That and I was super curious what would happen.

First a highly pierced man came down the stairs leading above the shop to ask if I wanted some soda. Sure, why not? Then he led me up two flights of steep stairs, which is where I started to get a little nervous. Testing at a sex shop? How legit is this going to be? At the University I attended as an undergraduate we offered HIV test mouth swabs, which is what I assumed would be happening at this free testing. I was lead to the upper floor, which was a very spacious flat with a large desk and two very friendly nurses. The male nurse introduced himself and then his female associate, welcoming me to their testing facility. They work through the Amsterdam STD Clinic https://www.mijntestuitslag.nl/where they do STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) counseling and testing. Their particular work is setting up testing areas through out the city where they can give free screenings to those who want it. Specifically, the gay male community here, which is rather large. Amsterdam is a very sexually liberal city, where the male gay community throws naked parties and other wildly themed raves, but they are not always safer sex friendly. Bath houses are also commonly used for male interactions, and in turn, the STI/STD rates in the area are extremely high.

The GGD Amsterdam (the clinic) is testing out this new idea, where the nurses set up shop in places were sexually active people go, offering full screenings to anyone. The shop where I was at was one of their locations, where they do testing on Fridays. They also go to bath houses/saunas and are currently trying to get access to clubs. All testing is free, anonymous, and they give you the results in a week. They test for chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, HIV, HPV, syphilis, and herpes. This is the most all inclusive free testing I have ever encountered. While the nurses were setting up the test, I was informed that they were going to take blood (sterile environment, I checked all the equipment) and needed a self administered vaginal and anal swab (for men they do self taken anal swabs and a urine test). I like that they have you do your own swabs, so there is no physical contact between you and the nurses. Though the nurses are professionals, this self swabbing is important for comfort, especially since this testing site is located in an unusual spot and I personally would be reluctant to let a stranger above a sex shop poke around my bits.

After answering some questions about my medical history, they started with a check list of my sexual history. They asked if I had experience with M2M (men who have sex with men) and if I used protection and how many partners I had within the last six months. Through the questions I deduced that they usually get male clients, which they chuckled and confirmed. I was their first female client since they started testing. After finishing my questions, they put on a tourniquet and tried to find a vain. Apparently I have hard vains to find, because both of them had to look over my arm for one. The woman informed me she was going to hit my arm to get a vain to pop up, and informs me with a smile that she promises she won't hit me like they do downstairs. I like health workers with a sense of humor. I smiled and told her I consented, and after a few pats, my veins decided to cooperate. After they finished draining me they handed me two long swabs and viles marked "A" and "V" (guess which holes they were marked for).

I am so in love with this idea of heath practitioners going out into the community and offering helpful services. I was so happy to find competent and all informative sex educators who were really passionate about helping others, even if it involved sitting around above a sex shop for hours waiting for someone to show up. They were shocked to learn that this type of screening was not common nor free in America, and that STD education was not offered to everyone. They asked me why I would want to work in sex education in a country that does not support me. I told them that that is exactly why I do my kind of work, because I want to fight for the health services that I believe people should already have, like they do in the Netherlands.

So much more to learn, only three weeks left here.

Here is some art I found in a local coffee shop

Monday, July 4, 2011

Sex Students

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Sunday, July 3, 2011

Red Light District trip 1

Yesterday a co-student and I decided to go through a walk towards the Oriental street in Amsterdam. After having some beers and springrolls, we continued to walk through the narrow streets, which were loaded with tourists. There we found the infamous Red Light District, which is apparently a ten minute walk from my dorms.


Being from San Francisco and a frequent visitor of adult stores, there is little that can shock me when it comes to public sexuality. The block is separated by a canal, where swans quietly float by. There are sex shops, live girl shows, and various places to buy "a date". There are windows lining the street where women and sometimes trannies pose and wave at potential customers. Some people walk by awkwardly or stared, I waved friendly at them. Remember, in Amsterdam this is a legit profession, and these women have no problem waving back and are not shy about what they so for a living.

My favorite was a woman in a window standing half naked eating a bag of potato chips casually. I waved and she proudly toasted a chip towards me.

I was only there briefly, checked out a few sex shops. More info later.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Feels like home

"Why?"

This is the most common response I get when I tell people my intention to study sexuality and non normative sexual behaviors/lifestlyes. On the flight from San Francisco to Minnasota (which is where I swtiched planes to go to Amsterdam) the guy sitting next to me asked me why I was going to Amsterdam. I told him that I was going to study the sexual culture of the community and study under well known sex professors surrounding topics like gender, sex in art, teen sex culture, and prostitution. He paused and looked at me (Well, he turned his head. Airplanes don't give much room to look at the person next to you) and with a furrowed brow, asked "Why?"

"Why?"

"Why not?" would be the best response I can think of. People ask me this all the time, usually trying to figure out what happened in my life to lead me to study such a taboo topic. As if studying sex meant that I had been sexually abused, or am questioning my own sexuality. Sorry to dissapoint, but I grew up knowing that I was attracted to both sexes and never had any sexual trauma growing up. My parents ask me "Why?" every few months, why do I keep persisting this area of study. I think that they would rather have me go into psychology or school teaching, two areas that I studied in college.

In Amsterdam, no one questions me. True, it is probably because I live in a dorm full of other sex enthusiasts, but it is incredibly refreshing to talk bluntly to a receptionist or information desk about where to find the best spots to observe the sexual culture. My welcome packet to the program included a condom. I think I almost cried with happiness.

The beauty if this place is that no one cares when it comes to sex and gender. What they care about is behavior. For example, the public toilettes have one entrance for both male and females sexes, with the male section on one side, the female on the other. There is no weirdness that the bathrooms are basically used by everyone. There are signs warning that decent behavior is expected, and any misbehavior will cause action. So if someone makes a non-consentual act towards another, they will be handed over to the police and most likey fined. It's a pretty wonderful concept, especially for those who do not identify with male or female gender labels. They don't get hassled, questioned, and if that ever happens, the lavatory worker would step in. There are also public urinals for men, which are plastic columns for urination. It is very common to walk down the street and see these being used. The point of them is not to expose ones genitalia to the public (there are actually little walls to ensure some privacy) but to stop intoxicated men from urinating in the street. There is no shame in using them, and they keep the busy bar areas quite clean.

I have yet to visit the famous Red Light district, but I am very very happy about the behavior instructional in guide books. Again, behavior is the key word in this community. Good behavior is a sign of respect. The guide books remind visitors that the Red Light district is a family neighborhood, with children and community privacy. Visitors are told to respect the neighborhood. Though it may sound strange for tourists to hear the families live in this prostitute thriving area, this is real. Prostitution is legal, and is considered a legit job, just like florists or waiters or plumbers. They are in the service oriented professional community, and they deserve respect. Personally, I can only hope that one day I can live in a society like this. There is 24hr surveillance to ensure the safety of the workers and proper behavior is required. Because sex is so blatant in this community, outsiders and tourists assume that this means that everything is allowed. Therefore they get extremely intoxicated in public, scream, urinate in the streets, use hard drugs, and drink outside. There is a reason locals are not too friendly to tourists, and this is why. A relaxed sexual environment does not meant that you get to act like an ass.

I love love love love that prostitutes are treated with respect in this community. Tourists are not allowed to treat them as weird spectacles but taking pictures of them, shout at them, and use bad language towards them. These are all arrestable offences. You also cannot solicit them on the street, as that is not where they work. If you were a dentist you would really hate it if someone can up to you on the street and asked you to give them a cleaning. They'd have to go to your office for something that that. Same thing with prostitutes.

It's been a little more than 24hrs being here and I am overjoyed by this communities sense of mutual respect and "normalness" of sex.

So "Why?" Because I believe society should normalize sex, and make it a non-taboo subject

Friday, July 1, 2011

First day in Amsterdam

I arrived a few hours ago.
The city is beautiful, I need to remember to take pictures.
And the people are beautiful as well. The majority of the people in the Netherlands are tall, over 6ft, all genders. Being a 6ft woman myself, I almost cried with happiness when I realized that I was considered average height.
When I registered in at my summer program, they handed me a welcome packet, which included a condom. Pretty sure that's a sign from the sex god/ess that I am going to LOVE it here.

My roommate is from China and doesn't speak English, but is sweet as hell.
Oh, and my pants ripped while I was grocery shopping. Lovely.

Gonna go do some reading about sex shtuff.

ps. Escalators here go wayyy faster than those in America. You have to basically jump on them to catch a ride.