Sunday, June 27, 2010

Psychic Powers

There are sometimes when I am psychic. I can hone in on my supernatural powers and predict the future and read minds.

Of course, I am referring to sex toy purchases.

When work is slow, or when I feel like it, I play a guessing game with customers. I predict their purchases depending on who they are and how they act.

For example:
-A young couple walk in, male and female, early 20s. They look new to the store (looking around wide eyed). Holding hands. They spot the vibrator wall and head straight there. From this I access that they are looking for something simple (from looking new) and cheap (youth tend not to do large purchases). I guess that they are going to buy a Breeze bullet, which runs less than $20.

and I am right. They buy the exact product, plus some inexpensive lube. They tell me that this is their first time in here. Score one for my psychic powers.

Second example:
-A gentleman (guessing age 40-50) walks in by himself. He is friendly, but doesn't make eye contact with me. First he heads to the porn, but then slowly moves across the store. From this I access that he's probably looking for a masturbation toy for himself. Men sometimes seem embarrassed to buy masturbation toys from us sales girls. When they stay to the right side of the store and slowly inch back towards the cock pleasure section, it means that they've been here before, but don't want any attention on them. He buys a Fleshlight masturbation sleeve, and doesn't make eye contact with me at the counter.

Score two for my epic powers.

I also have been able to predict the type of porn people are looking for.

But sometimes my powers fail me. Like today, this girl-girl couple comes in and heads towards the left side of the store where the dildos and vibrators are. I make the assumption that they are going for the dildos. But no. They quickly and efficiently purchase a Rabbit Habit vibrator.

I am reminded that I need to not make assumptions all the time. Everyone's sexuality is different and I should never assume anything in this industry.

And then five minutes later another gentleman (age 40-50) comes in, doesn't make eye contact, and edges towards the right side of the store. Hello masturbation section.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Customer of the Day: June 13th 2010

Dear lady on the phone,
congratulations, I hath deem you customer of the day.

Not only do you in detail describe you need for pubic dye (which we do carry, lucky you!) but you also describe your pubes so that I can tell you over the phone if the brown color will be right for you. Wow. This was actually not the awkward part in the conversation. Details about peoples personal habits or grooming is nothing new.

It got uncomfortable when I was putting some dye on hold for you and asked for your name. "Salina?" I repeated, making sure it was correct. "No, Salima, with a "M". I'm not Mexican."


Thanks Customer of the Day

Friday, June 11, 2010


Sometimes I buy something I think will be delicious. Then, after first taste, it does not agree with my palette. It's just not for me. It's not bad, nor defective in any way. It was sold perfectly intact. It's just not for me. I think to myself, "what do I do now?" Do I return it? Do I throw it away? Maybe give it to someone else? Find other uses for it?

Being the head of the returns department at a sex shop is a funny title. Hell, it's a funny job entirely. My job is to return defective sex toys to the sex toy companies. I am the satellite between the customer, and the producer. It's actually pretty fun, when my inbox isn't overflowing with toys and unreturned messages from companies. I get to deal with two kind of customers. The unfortunate, and the confused.

The unfortunate are those folks who purchase a sex toy, getting all exited about it, and then open the box only to find it broken. I feel bad for the people who actually start a session with their toy to have it die or overreact (oh yes, motors go crazzzzy sometimes). What a disappointing evening! Luckily, like many sex stores, we have a 48hour return policy, so that if something is automatically wrong we can take care of it. Or more specifically, I can take care of it. Full refund in store credit or a switch of items is usually the deal.

The confused are a little rare, but do happen. Once every few months, I have someone try to return a product just because they "don't like it". Or their partner "doesn't like it." Okay...well I'm not taking it back. Though you may be confused on how return policies work at sex shops, we do not exchange used disliked toys for shiny new ones. This is not an exchange service. Of course, I am much more polite in person about this confusion, but in my head I am most likely laughing. Last confused person we had tried to tell me that his cock ring was defective. So I took out my gloves (yay safety) and tested out the vibration. It worked perfectly. He then started telling me how his wife didn't like it and since he had purchased it the day before he figured he could return it. You have taken this product out of it's package. You have placed it on your genitals. You have used this item during sex. And the item works perfectly. The only problem is personal taste. Unfortunately for this customer (and his wife) there was no refund issued.

The only time I ever make exceptions is if the item has not been opened and there's a good reason, like they want to trade out for a different color or product. That's usually it. Otherwise, I have to be a hard ass. The companies do not take back perfectly fine products, and we can't resell them. So in the end, we would be loosing money. As much as I would love to make everyone happy, this is a business. A sex business is just as serious as any other.

Oh, and don't try to break it on purpose.
I can tell