Friday, June 11, 2010


Sometimes I buy something I think will be delicious. Then, after first taste, it does not agree with my palette. It's just not for me. It's not bad, nor defective in any way. It was sold perfectly intact. It's just not for me. I think to myself, "what do I do now?" Do I return it? Do I throw it away? Maybe give it to someone else? Find other uses for it?

Being the head of the returns department at a sex shop is a funny title. Hell, it's a funny job entirely. My job is to return defective sex toys to the sex toy companies. I am the satellite between the customer, and the producer. It's actually pretty fun, when my inbox isn't overflowing with toys and unreturned messages from companies. I get to deal with two kind of customers. The unfortunate, and the confused.

The unfortunate are those folks who purchase a sex toy, getting all exited about it, and then open the box only to find it broken. I feel bad for the people who actually start a session with their toy to have it die or overreact (oh yes, motors go crazzzzy sometimes). What a disappointing evening! Luckily, like many sex stores, we have a 48hour return policy, so that if something is automatically wrong we can take care of it. Or more specifically, I can take care of it. Full refund in store credit or a switch of items is usually the deal.

The confused are a little rare, but do happen. Once every few months, I have someone try to return a product just because they "don't like it". Or their partner "doesn't like it." Okay...well I'm not taking it back. Though you may be confused on how return policies work at sex shops, we do not exchange used disliked toys for shiny new ones. This is not an exchange service. Of course, I am much more polite in person about this confusion, but in my head I am most likely laughing. Last confused person we had tried to tell me that his cock ring was defective. So I took out my gloves (yay safety) and tested out the vibration. It worked perfectly. He then started telling me how his wife didn't like it and since he had purchased it the day before he figured he could return it. You have taken this product out of it's package. You have placed it on your genitals. You have used this item during sex. And the item works perfectly. The only problem is personal taste. Unfortunately for this customer (and his wife) there was no refund issued.

The only time I ever make exceptions is if the item has not been opened and there's a good reason, like they want to trade out for a different color or product. That's usually it. Otherwise, I have to be a hard ass. The companies do not take back perfectly fine products, and we can't resell them. So in the end, we would be loosing money. As much as I would love to make everyone happy, this is a business. A sex business is just as serious as any other.

Oh, and don't try to break it on purpose.
I can tell

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