Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dear young guy,
I have no idea why you look like you are about to cry/punch me, but we have a no return policy on any product that does not vibrate. So no, I will not take back your rhinestone collar that you bought. And complaining to me will just make me be more firm with you.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Annoying a Sex Shop Worker

Things that you (the customer) do that annoy me (the sex shop worker):

-You open packages and pull out the items. Seriously, why? I understand the need to see the product before buying it, which is why we have display items for that very reason, so that you can hold and touch them. Therefore, the need to open packages is eliminated. But no, you continue to open things, even after I ask you not to. How would you feel if someone put their dirty hands all over your vibrator? It's not fair to whoever is going to buy it after you've touched it.

-You try to return porn after I have explained that we have a no return policy on porn We say it when you purchase the porn, it is stated on your receipt, and I am telling you again. There is a no return policy on porn. I'm sorry if it wasn't to your standards, or you didn't like the plot, but we cannot take back your porn.

-You demand to speak to the owner when you don't like what you hear Maybe I told you we have a no return policy, maybe I said that a class you wanted to attend is full. Whatever the issue, you demand to speak with my boss, who by the way will tell you the EXACT same thing. Perhaps you feel superior asking for my supervisor, maybe it makes you feel better. It's annoying, and you will hear the exact same thing I just said.

-You are being vague and secretive about what you are asking me about I get that sex can be scary and embarrassing. I get it. That is why I am here, to help you figure out what will be best for you. So please be blunt, and not vague. Referring to "something" for women doesn't really help me. Did you mean lingerie? A book? A dildo? Throw me a bone please and not make this a guessing game.

-You attempt to make me uncomfortable This happens more than you think. Maybe you are nervous so you want to make your date laugh, or you are really uncomfortable and want me at your level. For whatever reason, stop trying to make me uncomfortable with your crude jokes, inappropriate question, and flirtatious gestures. Yes, I do see you with a dildo at your crotch, waving it at me while your girlfriend/buddy laughs. I will smile politely, but inside I am shoving that thing up your ass while you cry.

-You don't put things back in their proper place We have pillows for you to put display items on. Everything is labeled. So why do I need to go searching for items every time you come in? It causes me to panic because I assume if it's not in it's proper place, it's been shop lifted.

-You leave vibrators on Probably my biggest pet peeve. You turn on toys, and then walk away. Maybe you forgot, or maybe you are just an ass. These things are shaking and moving, and they weren't before, so make them stop. It is also very damaging to the toy if it falls off the shelf due to it being left on. The battery also dies out. It is really simple, turn off toys after you have turned them on. If perhaps you can't figure out how to turn it off, ask me! It is not embarrassing, it happens!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The parents are gone, party time!

This week the owners of the store are at a Las Vegas sex toy convention. Which means that lil' ol' me is on my own for the next few days. So while the owners go away, the sex shop workers get to play!

Actually, no. I have a BUNCH of cleaning and organizing to do. My hands are covered in lube from re-lubing all the latex clothing, I am covered in dust from dusting off packages. This place is going to be spic n' span when the owners returns (hopefully with free schwag!)

Customers totally have been AMAZINGLY amusing.

-Middle aged friendly guy with glasses comes in after opening and chirps on about how much product we carry. He buys the new Aneros Vice. This anal toy is the first vibrating Aneros, which is well know prostate massager. While I am wrapping it up it occurs to me that he may not know how to turn the vibrator on (it needs to be held down in a certain area for a few seconds and then tapped to change function). I ask him if he knows how to use it, and he starts laughing that he has no idea. I show him and he leaves giggling that he almost bought a toy that he had no clue how to use.

-Tiny, tiny (like 3ft) old lady comes in and sweetly asks if she can wait in the store until the library opens. She is adorable, I want to put her in my pocket.

-Couple comes in. They are obviously doing a sexual game, where the girl dressed the guy up in female clothing and is parading him around town. I figure this out because the guy is in full girl clothing, including wig, and keeps his head down and shifts back and forth in his outfit awkwardly, and while looking a butt plugs says "you made me wear this outfit, don't make me say it (anal plug) out loud." They spend a long time in the kink section, and the girl buys her partner a red sparkly collar to wear. He refers to her as "Master", which confirms my suspicions that this is some sort of sexy game that they are playing (they also confirm this with me later). I am SUPER jealous of his outfit, it is amazing. Also, sexy gender fucking games make me happy.

-Guy comes in to get change for parking. Apparently he didn't know it was a sex shop and makes this surprised "Wah!" noise. His partner, who is pregnant, comes in to see what the noise was about. She is also thrown aback that he walked into a sex shop. I give him change and they walk around the store in awe, and he asks me about a cock pump that we sell.

-Young girl buys a guide to pregnancy for lesbians. She is shy when talking to me.

-Women come in asking for a vibrator that connects to an Ipod. They buy the club vibe, a three function vibrator. It vibrates like a regular toy, or you can connect it to an Ipod or Iphone and it will vibrate to the base of the music, or you can put it on "club mode" and it will vibrate to any surround noise. Kinda nifty, no?

-The older guy with glasses from earlier in the day comes back in and buys a Njoy stainless steel plug.

-Young couple looks at vibrators together. Actually, a few young couples do, all in a row, and leave.

-Woman comes in and examines our cock rings. She buys the C-Spot vibrator made by Good Vibrations.

-Couple comes in with a stroller and a baby. I wonder if my parents ever brought me somewhere naughty before I could remember?

-Friend of mine comes in. She is wearing a shirt for "Book of Mormon", the new Broadway musical by the makers of South Park. I am super jealous and giddy that she got to see it (it's only showing in New York).

-Two women ask me about harnesses. They buy the Spareparts Harness, which is our current top seller, and the acute dildo in purple, with a matching purple vibrating bullet.

-A group of 30 something year olds come in to laugh at the products. One guy buys a gag ball "as a joke". I ignore them as they mock our anal section. Bleh.

-Two older guys and a woman come in. One guy asks me if we have any chocolate penises. He then grabs a dildo, straps it around his neck and starts walking around the store saying "this is how men should be designed." The other guy who is looking at masturbation sleeves tells me I have a beautiful smile.

Aaaand let's end with that.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Rainy Weekend

This weekend the weather has been freakin' nuts at the shop! Yesterday at opening there was snow/hail (or as my friends call it, "snail") and then at closing we had a blackout. Luckily the intense weather has not deterred anyone from coming in, which can be a problem with crazy rainstorms.

This morning the weather seems to have calmed down.

-Right away two young ladies come in and shop around a little bit. They buy a seven speed g-spot vibrator, and our newest dildo, The Platinum. This dildo has bee selling like hotcakes, probably because it's simple and super affordable ($39.95).

-Big guy with curly hair and sunglasses asks me if we sell condoms. He buys lifestyles snugger fit condoms.

-Regular "visitor" (not really a customer since she never buys anything) comes in, circles the store, and then leaves. She does this every few days.

-Couple comes in to ask me if the library is open. They continue to leave and come back every few minutes, and them settle in our book corner reading to each other. I am calculating how long until I need to ask them to leave. Unlike a library, we can't have people sitting, reading books all day, since we intend to sell them. Also, people tend to dirty the books up and fold the pages, which make them harder to sell.

After around 40 minutes they get up and look at cock rings.

They leave.

-Young couple asks me about our most popular vibrators. The guy is very responsive to my advice and is obviously very into getting something. The girl is more reserved, and is hesitant to touch things when I display them. They leave without buying anything.

-Guy in bright yellow jacket walks in and out

-Two middle aged women come in, talking about things they have bought here before. They buy two tester packets of lube. They come back a half hour later and buy some leather cuffs.

-Man buys some Yes lubricant, the only FDA certified "organic" lubricant.

-Some friends drop by, but leave since the store is busy and I am working by myself. Gotta keep an eye on everyone!

-The couple from earlier (with the shy girl) comes back in and picks up a We-Vibe in red.

-A couple from Sacramento buys a tri-o cock ring, and a clit pump. They are very friendly and adorable to talk to.

-Apparently there is a big surfing convention in our town this weekend, hence all the tourists. The convention building is across the street. I like meeting all the tourists and hearing about the sex shops from their areas.

-Hot goth/punk chick asks me about pricing on leather cuffs. She is adorable and I think I fall in love for a minute.

-Jackass dude has a lady friend on speaker phone and is turning on toys and dropping them. He takes pictures of them and asks loud, obnoxious questions about vibrators. He asks me for what the best cheap one is, telling me he "ain't ever bought one before" (terrible grammar is a major turn off for me). He keeps calling his lady friend and making loud comments, like "Ugh! The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men!" (A book we carry) I can't wait for him to leave, and as he is walking out he keeps picking everything up and making annoying comments. Bleh.

-Woman comes in asking about "that vibrator that looks like a Pokemon". I knew that she was talking about the Form 2 by Jimmy Jane. She seemed very exited about it, especially since it is so quiet, yet so powerful. She gets one in black, and tells me if she had more money, she'd buy some for her friends.

Okay, that's it for today!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

My birthday sex toys

Recently I had a birthday. (yay!)

Ever since I turned 19, I have always been gifted with sex toys on my birthday, for some strange, random, really unknown reason. Whenever my birthday rolls around my friends always try to find some new sex toy that I don't own. Strange, right? Super unexpected, not like I work in the industry or anything. Sarcasm aside, every year I get at least one unique toy. It's kind of fun.

For my 19th birthday my college dorm hall-mate bought me my first vibrator. Actually, he more "presented" it to me than "gave" it to me. We were sitting with our friends in the college dining hall and he starts singing and chanting and pulls out this very strange looking worm-creature thing and lowers it onto my plate. Honestly, I thought it was a child's toy.

Turns out it was a giant vibrator called "I Touch My Wormie". I aptly named it "Wormie" and only brought him out when showing friends the weird present that I got for my birthday. It was years later that I actually discovered how to actually use it, and learnt that it was meant for external play, like a Hitachi, verses internal play, which is what I originally thought it was meant for.

My 20th birthday I was gifted a pink jelly vibrator, which honestly I used less than three times. This was apparently to my good fortune, as a few months later it began to show signs of the material rotting. Note to sex toy users, know your materials! Jelly toys can rot, which is not genital friendly!

On my 21st birthday my then boyfriend gifted me with some homemade toys and outfits, as well as a book on how to become a dominant woman. I still have some of the things, but most, like the relationship, have fallen apart.

Skipping forward a few years, my birthday this year has pretty much blown the rest of them out of the water. With help from my coworker, my friends presented me with the ultimate sex toy, the Njoy 11. If you have never heard of the Njoy line before, you are missing out. The Njoys (http://www.njoytoys.com/) are stainless steel dildos and anal toys that are designed to work with the bodies sexual responses and feel really good for multiple uses. They are really beautiful in design and feel, and the metal warms up to your body. There are eight different models of Njoy toys, and the Njoy 11 is by far the largest one.

Oh yes, I own this thing. This toy is huge. So huge, I have referenced it before as the toy that I would beat a robber with if I ever needed a weapon. At about 3lbs, 2inches wide, and 11inches long, this thing will probably the most epic sex toy I will ever be gifted.