Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Dear Avi: I Bought the We-Vibe and I don't like it. Help!
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Friday, April 6, 2012
Can I Ask my Boyfriend to Help Pay for my Birth Control?
Dear Avi Answers, Jezebel.com recently posted an article about the high cost of having lady parts. In that vein, is it fair to ask my boyfriend to start helping with the bills for some of these things (IE BCP)?
Answer!
Birth control is the responsability of all partners involved. If he is depending on you to take the pill as both of your forms of birth control, then technically he is taking it along with you. Just because you are the one ingesting it doesn't mean that he is not responsible for helping to pay. It's in your body, but both of you use it as your means of contraception. It is totally fine to ask for him to help out paying for birth control.
Birth control is not one partners responsability. All partners involved should be aware of what is being used and share the financial responsability of paying for it.
On that note, partners should offer to split the costs of all forms of birth control, including condoms. At work I often see M/F couples come in to purchase condoms, with the male partner paying for all of it. Sometimes the female partner will make a comment like, "Since he's the one using it, he needs to pay for it." Lady, you are using condoms too. Condoms are a form of birth control, and if your partner is using them as a barrier during sex, then you are also using them even if they are not on your body.
There tends to be a mentality of "It's not my body, so it's not my responsability."
It's both of your birth control, it's both of your responsability.
Answer!
Birth control is the responsability of all partners involved. If he is depending on you to take the pill as both of your forms of birth control, then technically he is taking it along with you. Just because you are the one ingesting it doesn't mean that he is not responsible for helping to pay. It's in your body, but both of you use it as your means of contraception. It is totally fine to ask for him to help out paying for birth control.
Birth control is not one partners responsability. All partners involved should be aware of what is being used and share the financial responsability of paying for it.
On that note, partners should offer to split the costs of all forms of birth control, including condoms. At work I often see M/F couples come in to purchase condoms, with the male partner paying for all of it. Sometimes the female partner will make a comment like, "Since he's the one using it, he needs to pay for it." Lady, you are using condoms too. Condoms are a form of birth control, and if your partner is using them as a barrier during sex, then you are also using them even if they are not on your body.
There tends to be a mentality of "It's not my body, so it's not my responsability."
It's both of your birth control, it's both of your responsability.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Avi goes to Japan Part 1. Sex Work!
I had the fortune of a quick visit to Japan, where I met with a local college student who showed me around and catered to my lust for seeing various forms of sex work. The trip was meant to be a vacation, but I always want to find out about sex and gender wherever I go. Though I learnt a lot in the few days I was there, I know that I didn't get a full prospective of everything that I saw. I would love an opportunity to go back and learn more! (Pssst, wanna send me to Japan??)
Today I am going to write about sex work.
There are numerous form of sex work in Japan, and the select few that I learnt about had sub categories that went on and on. I'm sure to some they are going to come as a surprise or seem ridiculous, but remember, what is weird to you is normal to another.
Host/ess
A "Host" (or "Hostess" for females) is a sex worker that I came across in almost every busy urban area. The concept of a host is to literally "host" someone, aka spend time with them and make them feel special. In the American sex world this is sometimes referred to as a "boy/girlfriend experience" where the customer is paying for companionship rather than sex. As far as I understand, various forms of sex work, like hosting, are legal in Japan as long as there is no penetration, though many times this is overlooked. Hosting doesn't always involve sex, because the expectation is that this person is going to spend time with you, and if the host chooses so, will do sexual things with you, but not always. I experienced hosts while walking across a bridge that is a main walkway for people in the downtown shopping area where there are bars and clubs. The hosts and hostesses will stand in certain area and approach you, but only if they feel like you would be the right customer. Since I was obviously a foreigner, as well as dressed in jeans and a frumpy shirt, they ignored me. Oh well. By the way, most hosts do not work with same gendered folk.
There is a typical style for hosts. For men they have big rock star straightened hair that reminds me of shaggy emo kids, that is usually bleached or dyed light.
They also wear snazzy suits and nice shoes. Hostesses dress very similar, with VERY big hair (usually wigs) and lots of fancy jewelry.
Hosts often work for "Host Clubs" which are bars where a customer pays to hang out with the hosts and have conversations. These are also all over populated urban areas, with lots of advertisements for the clubs on billboards and posters, as seen above.
What really interested me was the relation between prostitutes and hosts. According to my local tour guide, many time hosts will do trade with other hosts or prostitutes (aka sex workers where sex is required in their work life). The reason behind this is because many times sex workers just need to feel emotionally pampered and have a hard time connecting to people who don't work in the industry. I was also told that hosts that end up trading with each other can get confusing as to what is real and what is performed emotions. But isn't that true of any profession where you fake sincerity, like customer service or retail?
Love Hotels
If one were to trade with a sex worker, where would this occur? One option is a Love Hotel, which is a hotel set up specifically for sex. There are many reasons why someone would want to use a Love Hotel:
1. It is traditional to live with your family until you start your own. If you want private time, these offer perfect places to go.
2. If you want to trade with a sex worker.
3. If you want to have an affair. According to my tour guide, since some people marry young and many times through family pressure, having an affair is a pretty common occurrence in Love Hotels.
4. It's Christmas. It is a tradition to have sex at a Love Hotel on Christmas.
Love Hotels offer many different fun options, like different themed rooms....
...and options of toys and costumes for rent
So how can you tell if a building is a love hotel, or just a hotel? Love hotels will have their windows blackened....
Or look something a little like this...
Love hotels are known to cater only to male/female couples, though if located in the "gay districts" will cater otherwise.
Maid Cafes
Some may not consider this a form of sex work, but I certainly do. Maid cafes tend to be what the name implies, they are cafes where the servers are dressed in maid costumes and serve you in a polite and cheery manner.
I compare these cafes to Hooters, not because the girls are dressed in skimpy outfits, but because they work to create a certain experience for customers. The maids are overly enthusiastic, often doing cute girly things like playing with dolls or stuffed animals and asking customers to write them happy messages in their notebooks.
Here is our menu:
When I got served, the maid would get on her knees to take our order of tea and ice cream, and would give us compliments about how pretty and nice we were. The cafe was decorated with stuffed animals and hearts and anime pictures. Customers pay by the hour to hang out, and can pay extra for special accommodations, like having the girls karaoke, or having one of them be your personal bartender and hang out with you.
Sex Clubs
I honestly didn't get the chance to see any sex clubs, but they do exist! Again, like some host clubs, though penetration isn't legal, some do cater to it without detection. Here is a building that houses various forms of sex clubs, ranging from kinky, to transgendered, to I don't know what (Strawberry Time?).
Today I am going to write about sex work.
There are numerous form of sex work in Japan, and the select few that I learnt about had sub categories that went on and on. I'm sure to some they are going to come as a surprise or seem ridiculous, but remember, what is weird to you is normal to another.
Host/ess
A "Host" (or "Hostess" for females) is a sex worker that I came across in almost every busy urban area. The concept of a host is to literally "host" someone, aka spend time with them and make them feel special. In the American sex world this is sometimes referred to as a "boy/girlfriend experience" where the customer is paying for companionship rather than sex. As far as I understand, various forms of sex work, like hosting, are legal in Japan as long as there is no penetration, though many times this is overlooked. Hosting doesn't always involve sex, because the expectation is that this person is going to spend time with you, and if the host chooses so, will do sexual things with you, but not always. I experienced hosts while walking across a bridge that is a main walkway for people in the downtown shopping area where there are bars and clubs. The hosts and hostesses will stand in certain area and approach you, but only if they feel like you would be the right customer. Since I was obviously a foreigner, as well as dressed in jeans and a frumpy shirt, they ignored me. Oh well. By the way, most hosts do not work with same gendered folk.
There is a typical style for hosts. For men they have big rock star straightened hair that reminds me of shaggy emo kids, that is usually bleached or dyed light.
They also wear snazzy suits and nice shoes. Hostesses dress very similar, with VERY big hair (usually wigs) and lots of fancy jewelry.
Hosts often work for "Host Clubs" which are bars where a customer pays to hang out with the hosts and have conversations. These are also all over populated urban areas, with lots of advertisements for the clubs on billboards and posters, as seen above.
What really interested me was the relation between prostitutes and hosts. According to my local tour guide, many time hosts will do trade with other hosts or prostitutes (aka sex workers where sex is required in their work life). The reason behind this is because many times sex workers just need to feel emotionally pampered and have a hard time connecting to people who don't work in the industry. I was also told that hosts that end up trading with each other can get confusing as to what is real and what is performed emotions. But isn't that true of any profession where you fake sincerity, like customer service or retail?
Love Hotels
If one were to trade with a sex worker, where would this occur? One option is a Love Hotel, which is a hotel set up specifically for sex. There are many reasons why someone would want to use a Love Hotel:
1. It is traditional to live with your family until you start your own. If you want private time, these offer perfect places to go.
2. If you want to trade with a sex worker.
3. If you want to have an affair. According to my tour guide, since some people marry young and many times through family pressure, having an affair is a pretty common occurrence in Love Hotels.
4. It's Christmas. It is a tradition to have sex at a Love Hotel on Christmas.
Love Hotels offer many different fun options, like different themed rooms....
...and options of toys and costumes for rent
So how can you tell if a building is a love hotel, or just a hotel? Love hotels will have their windows blackened....
Or look something a little like this...
Love hotels are known to cater only to male/female couples, though if located in the "gay districts" will cater otherwise.
Maid Cafes
Some may not consider this a form of sex work, but I certainly do. Maid cafes tend to be what the name implies, they are cafes where the servers are dressed in maid costumes and serve you in a polite and cheery manner.
I compare these cafes to Hooters, not because the girls are dressed in skimpy outfits, but because they work to create a certain experience for customers. The maids are overly enthusiastic, often doing cute girly things like playing with dolls or stuffed animals and asking customers to write them happy messages in their notebooks.
Here is our menu:
When I got served, the maid would get on her knees to take our order of tea and ice cream, and would give us compliments about how pretty and nice we were. The cafe was decorated with stuffed animals and hearts and anime pictures. Customers pay by the hour to hang out, and can pay extra for special accommodations, like having the girls karaoke, or having one of them be your personal bartender and hang out with you.
Sex Clubs
I honestly didn't get the chance to see any sex clubs, but they do exist! Again, like some host clubs, though penetration isn't legal, some do cater to it without detection. Here is a building that houses various forms of sex clubs, ranging from kinky, to transgendered, to I don't know what (Strawberry Time?).
Sunday, March 18, 2012
More international adventures for Avi!
I have been packing and preparing myself for the adventure that is called: Japan! I will be going for a week and a half to Osaka and Kyoto for vacation, but plan to find something sexy and educational to blog about.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Step by step harassment
Today I was harassed by a person in the shop.
I find that it is important for me to share this experience, because even though I have worked in sex shops for numerous years and have been hit on multiple times, it never stops affecting me. I am an advocate for safe spaces and respecting others, and am very passionate about sex worker rights. I believe that sex workers deserve the same respect as any other "normal" occupation, and that harassment is not something that should be brushed off. I've had a few people tell me that since I work in the industry, I should get used to this type of treatment.
I will never get used to it, and I will never be silent about it happening.
Here's my story:
Guy comes into the store and asks if it's okay for him to be in here. He is a local "street person" who hangs around the downtown shops asking if any of them would like to have their windows cleaned. He carries window washing equipment with him, hence why we call him "The Window Washer." He has been in the shop a few times before, and is known to go into the back book section, read a little, and then leave. The last time he was here he told me that he liked seeing all the people in the store, but especially couples. While his comment did register as odd, I didn't think anything past it. This time when he came in, he went straight for the register that I was at. He smiled and commented on how I looked, which I passed off with a smile. Then he started looking me up and down and asked what time I got off work. I told him that wasn't an okay thing to say and he smiles and laughs and says he's kidding and I should know that. I am taken aback, as this guy is usually harmless. He tries to get my name out of me, and I try to shut him down but am extremely flustered since I was caught off guard. He laughs and walks over to the book section.
I am going to break in here and make note that anyone can get caught off guard, no matter how much experience they have with sexual harassment. Even though I tend to consider myself a tough cookie when it comes to handling sex remarks during work, it doesn't always happen the way I plan. Sometimes I crumble under pressure.
I see that there is a middle aged woman already in the book section and I get worried that he's going to talk to her in the same manner that he talked to me. My co-worker is also looking concerned, so we both walk around the area to keep an eye on him. As I am standing in the middle of the store, he walks over to me with his hand in his pocket and says he has something for me. I actually find myself stepping backwards, preparing myself for either a knife, or his penis. He knows I look uncomfortable and shocked, and smiles. He takes out a pen and then motions on his hand that he would like my number while smiling at me. He moves in closer, and I finally gather myself to tell him that he is being inappropriate and I am not okay with his behavior. He looks puzzled and says "What, you don't like nice guys?" He stumbles away and I move to go back to the register so that I will have a counter in between us in case I need to do anything. I notice while walking that he is following me, and I make a loop around the store just to make sure. Yes, he is definitely following me. Suddenly he turns around and walks out, leaving his belongings in the book section. He returns a minute later to grab his things and makes sure to come very close to the counter so that I know he is there.
I find myself feeling like I didn't do enough. Like I needed to throw him out, or tell him off. That I should do better next time.
In reality, I do not have to do better. He does. I am not to blame for this incident. I should not have to feel guilty about my reaction to being harassed. Just because I work at a sex shop, doesn't give him the right to hit on me or make me feel uncomfortable. I am a fucking sex worker and a person. I am not your target.
I find that it is important for me to share this experience, because even though I have worked in sex shops for numerous years and have been hit on multiple times, it never stops affecting me. I am an advocate for safe spaces and respecting others, and am very passionate about sex worker rights. I believe that sex workers deserve the same respect as any other "normal" occupation, and that harassment is not something that should be brushed off. I've had a few people tell me that since I work in the industry, I should get used to this type of treatment.
I will never get used to it, and I will never be silent about it happening.
Here's my story:
Guy comes into the store and asks if it's okay for him to be in here. He is a local "street person" who hangs around the downtown shops asking if any of them would like to have their windows cleaned. He carries window washing equipment with him, hence why we call him "The Window Washer." He has been in the shop a few times before, and is known to go into the back book section, read a little, and then leave. The last time he was here he told me that he liked seeing all the people in the store, but especially couples. While his comment did register as odd, I didn't think anything past it. This time when he came in, he went straight for the register that I was at. He smiled and commented on how I looked, which I passed off with a smile. Then he started looking me up and down and asked what time I got off work. I told him that wasn't an okay thing to say and he smiles and laughs and says he's kidding and I should know that. I am taken aback, as this guy is usually harmless. He tries to get my name out of me, and I try to shut him down but am extremely flustered since I was caught off guard. He laughs and walks over to the book section.
I am going to break in here and make note that anyone can get caught off guard, no matter how much experience they have with sexual harassment. Even though I tend to consider myself a tough cookie when it comes to handling sex remarks during work, it doesn't always happen the way I plan. Sometimes I crumble under pressure.
I see that there is a middle aged woman already in the book section and I get worried that he's going to talk to her in the same manner that he talked to me. My co-worker is also looking concerned, so we both walk around the area to keep an eye on him. As I am standing in the middle of the store, he walks over to me with his hand in his pocket and says he has something for me. I actually find myself stepping backwards, preparing myself for either a knife, or his penis. He knows I look uncomfortable and shocked, and smiles. He takes out a pen and then motions on his hand that he would like my number while smiling at me. He moves in closer, and I finally gather myself to tell him that he is being inappropriate and I am not okay with his behavior. He looks puzzled and says "What, you don't like nice guys?" He stumbles away and I move to go back to the register so that I will have a counter in between us in case I need to do anything. I notice while walking that he is following me, and I make a loop around the store just to make sure. Yes, he is definitely following me. Suddenly he turns around and walks out, leaving his belongings in the book section. He returns a minute later to grab his things and makes sure to come very close to the counter so that I know he is there.
I find myself feeling like I didn't do enough. Like I needed to throw him out, or tell him off. That I should do better next time.
In reality, I do not have to do better. He does. I am not to blame for this incident. I should not have to feel guilty about my reaction to being harassed. Just because I work at a sex shop, doesn't give him the right to hit on me or make me feel uncomfortable. I am a fucking sex worker and a person. I am not your target.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Today a woman asked if we sold roofies...
…because she wanted to surprise her boyfriend. It was either that, or some peppermint flavored lube that tingled.
Your kink is not my kink,
but please don’t roofie your boyfriend without his consent.
Non-consent is not sexy.
Your kink is not my kink,
but please don’t roofie your boyfriend without his consent.
Non-consent is not sexy.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Little tips from life
This week has had it's roll of interesting people coming in. I have to reiterate, that no matter how much I complain/bitch, I LOVE my job and love the weird/awkward/sexy/terrible interactions that I have with people. Anyways, let's get to the fun part.
This woman came in with her obviously 5-6 year old riding a bicycle. When I informed her that we don't allow children in the store she looked at me funny and said "you don't allow babies?" I looked at her and then the kid on the bike and held back the urge to inform her that her child was not a baby. I instead repeated the law, that anyone under 18 are not allowed in the store. I also held back the fact that bikes are also not allowed. Sorry, but it is ILLEGAL to have a walking, talking, bicycle riding child in the store. Sex shops have been closed down for much less.
A woman came in asking for advice on how to rim her boyfriend. If you are not familiar with this term, "rimming" is the act of oral sex on the anal opening. The reason people enjoy this is because the anal opening had just as many nerve endings as your lips and other sensitive areas. Some people enjoy the feeling on a tongue or a finger running across the opening. It is also a very intimate act, that some people find very sexy because of it's taboo nature. I first brought her to our condom and lube section and showed her a dental dam, which is what some people like to use for oral anal contact. Some people like this because it creates a barrier between the mouth and the anus as well as protects from any STI transmissions. We then looked at anal vibrators, because the anal opening is also very receptive to vibrations. As I was ringing her up, guess who walked in? Her boyfriend and his brother! They both laughed and blushed, but let each other have their private shopping experiences. If you run into your partner at a sex shop, it is totally okay to let them continue their visit on their own and then talk later. It's fun to know that there is something sexy coming to you or your partner. Also, exploring something new for your partner is also sexy!
A woman came in to return/exchange a vibrator that had broken. I noticed that it was unusually warm, and asked if she stored it with the batteries in it. She said yes. Important note! Remove your toys batteries because they can overheat and can break your toy! Oh, also please clean your toys before you bring them in. It's a little gross for us to have to clean toys after they've been returned.
This woman came in with her obviously 5-6 year old riding a bicycle. When I informed her that we don't allow children in the store she looked at me funny and said "you don't allow babies?" I looked at her and then the kid on the bike and held back the urge to inform her that her child was not a baby. I instead repeated the law, that anyone under 18 are not allowed in the store. I also held back the fact that bikes are also not allowed. Sorry, but it is ILLEGAL to have a walking, talking, bicycle riding child in the store. Sex shops have been closed down for much less.
A woman came in asking for advice on how to rim her boyfriend. If you are not familiar with this term, "rimming" is the act of oral sex on the anal opening. The reason people enjoy this is because the anal opening had just as many nerve endings as your lips and other sensitive areas. Some people enjoy the feeling on a tongue or a finger running across the opening. It is also a very intimate act, that some people find very sexy because of it's taboo nature. I first brought her to our condom and lube section and showed her a dental dam, which is what some people like to use for oral anal contact. Some people like this because it creates a barrier between the mouth and the anus as well as protects from any STI transmissions. We then looked at anal vibrators, because the anal opening is also very receptive to vibrations. As I was ringing her up, guess who walked in? Her boyfriend and his brother! They both laughed and blushed, but let each other have their private shopping experiences. If you run into your partner at a sex shop, it is totally okay to let them continue their visit on their own and then talk later. It's fun to know that there is something sexy coming to you or your partner. Also, exploring something new for your partner is also sexy!
A woman came in to return/exchange a vibrator that had broken. I noticed that it was unusually warm, and asked if she stored it with the batteries in it. She said yes. Important note! Remove your toys batteries because they can overheat and can break your toy! Oh, also please clean your toys before you bring them in. It's a little gross for us to have to clean toys after they've been returned.
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