Let me start off with an explanation that I am in a consensual sado-masochistic relationship and that all stories of my kink life are done safely, sanely, and consensually.
My latest course in Amsterdam is on Young Sexualities. Part of our research involves reading studies surround the concept of love and violence in South Africa. In some parts ofSouth Africa, violence against women, especially in youth, is tolerated and promoted as an act of masculinity. Currently I am reading an article about how injuries are beyond love, that they show an aspect of ownership and are also a way for the male to vent off his frustrations. Many women reported that they encouraged getting a "take-five" (face slap) because it showed love, that they cared. A lack of care is indicated if she was severely hurt and he wouldn't take her to the clinic, or wouldn't apologize afterwards.
I sit here reading this while talking to my partner about all the terrible things he has planned for me when I return from my trip. He plans to hit me, hurt me, punish me for talking back at him. And I blush and smile, glad that he is able to show how much he cares for me.
(On a more coincidental note, I am also listening to "Sister" by She Wants Revenge. "You can hurt me, do whatever you like" is part of the chorus. It's one of my favorite songs.)
It's very important to understand the difference between kinky relationship violence, and actual abuse. Some will assume that I am perverse for doing these readings whilst negotiating a violent scene for when I am back home.
There is a clear distinction for me between being slapped across the face for purposefully incorrectly following protocol (aka being bratty), and "taking-five" for having a cheeky demeanor. Though one can debate that these women who live under the delusion that being hit equals being cared for live under the same perverse delusion tent that I live under, believing that when my partner throws me to the ground and gives me a black eye, it is because we have an intimate connection. For me the real difference is that when I red out, it is listened to. I choose to be in this lovely fucked up relationship and can choose to stop it if I want to. These women can't. They are trapped by social pressure and living conditions, with no opportunity to red out of life.
Violence for me is sexy. To be more specific, pre-consented-"non-consensual"-violence-that-I-have-the-right-to-stop-even-though-personally-I-probably-won't-unless-somethings-going-really-wrong for me is sexy. There is a difference between actual violence, and my own kink definition, whether or not it may be clear.
Non-consensual violence, whether in the South African community or the kink community, should never be tolerated.