Dear young guy,
I have no idea why you look like you are about to cry/punch me, but we have a no return policy on any product that does not vibrate. So no, I will not take back your rhinestone collar that you bought. And complaining to me will just make me be more firm with you.
thanks

Annoying a Sex Shop Worker

Things that you (the customer) do that annoy me (the sex shop worker):

-You open packages and pull out the items. Seriously, why? I understand the need to see the product before buying it, which is why we have display items for that very reason, so that you can hold and touch them. Therefore, the need to open packages is eliminated. But no, you continue to open things, even after I ask you not to. How would you feel if someone put their dirty hands all over your vibrator? It's not fair to whoever is going to buy it after you've touched it.

-You try to return porn after I have explained that we have a no return policy on porn We say it when you purchase the porn, it is stated on your receipt, and I am telling you again. There is a no return policy on porn. I'm sorry if it wasn't to your standards, or you didn't like the plot, but we cannot take back your porn.

-You demand to speak to the owner when you don't like what you hear Maybe I told you we have a no return policy, maybe I said that a class you wanted to attend is full. Whatever the issue, you demand to speak with my boss, who by the way will tell you the EXACT same thing. Perhaps you feel superior asking for my supervisor, maybe it makes you feel better. It's annoying, and you will hear the exact same thing I just said.

-You are being vague and secretive about what you are asking me about I get that sex can be scary and embarrassing. I get it. That is why I am here, to help you figure out what will be best for you. So please be blunt, and not vague. Referring to "something" for women doesn't really help me. Did you mean lingerie? A book? A dildo? Throw me a bone please and not make this a guessing game.

-You attempt to make me uncomfortable This happens more than you think. Maybe you are nervous so you want to make your date laugh, or you are really uncomfortable and want me at your level. For whatever reason, stop trying to make me uncomfortable with your crude jokes, inappropriate question, and flirtatious gestures. Yes, I do see you with a dildo at your crotch, waving it at me while your girlfriend/buddy laughs. I will smile politely, but inside I am shoving that thing up your ass while you cry.

-You don't put things back in their proper place We have pillows for you to put display items on. Everything is labeled. So why do I need to go searching for items every time you come in? It causes me to panic because I assume if it's not in it's proper place, it's been shop lifted.

-You leave vibrators on Probably my biggest pet peeve. You turn on toys, and then walk away. Maybe you forgot, or maybe you are just an ass. These things are shaking and moving, and they weren't before, so make them stop. It is also very damaging to the toy if it falls off the shelf due to it being left on. The battery also dies out. It is really simple, turn off toys after you have turned them on. If perhaps you can't figure out how to turn it off, ask me! It is not embarrassing, it happens!

The parents are gone, party time!

This week the owners of the store are at a Las Vegas sex toy convention. Which means that lil' ol' me is on my own for the next few days. So while the owners go away, the sex shop workers get to play!

Actually, no. I have a BUNCH of cleaning and organizing to do. My hands are covered in lube from re-lubing all the latex clothing, I am covered in dust from dusting off packages. This place is going to be spic n' span when the owners returns (hopefully with free schwag!)

Customers totally have been AMAZINGLY amusing.

-Middle aged friendly guy with glasses comes in after opening and chirps on about how much product we carry. He buys the new Aneros Vice. This anal toy is the first vibrating Aneros, which is well know prostate massager. While I am wrapping it up it occurs to me that he may not know how to turn the vibrator on (it needs to be held down in a certain area for a few seconds and then tapped to change function). I ask him if he knows how to use it, and he starts laughing that he has no idea. I show him and he leaves giggling that he almost bought a toy that he had no clue how to use.

-Tiny, tiny (like 3ft) old lady comes in and sweetly asks if she can wait in the store until the library opens. She is adorable, I want to put her in my pocket.

-Couple comes in. They are obviously doing a sexual game, where the girl dressed the guy up in female clothing and is parading him around town. I figure this out because the guy is in full girl clothing, including wig, and keeps his head down and shifts back and forth in his outfit awkwardly, and while looking a butt plugs says "you made me wear this outfit, don't make me say it (anal plug) out loud." They spend a long time in the kink section, and the girl buys her partner a red sparkly collar to wear. He refers to her as "Master", which confirms my suspicions that this is some sort of sexy game that they are playing (they also confirm this with me later). I am SUPER jealous of his outfit, it is amazing. Also, sexy gender fucking games make me happy.

-Guy comes in to get change for parking. Apparently he didn't know it was a sex shop and makes this surprised "Wah!" noise. His partner, who is pregnant, comes in to see what the noise was about. She is also thrown aback that he walked into a sex shop. I give him change and they walk around the store in awe, and he asks me about a cock pump that we sell.

-Young girl buys a guide to pregnancy for lesbians. She is shy when talking to me.


-Women come in asking for a vibrator that connects to an Ipod. They buy the club vibe, a three function vibrator. It vibrates like a regular toy, or you can connect it to an Ipod or Iphone and it will vibrate to the base of the music, or you can put it on "club mode" and it will vibrate to any surround noise. Kinda nifty, no?


-The older guy with glasses from earlier in the day comes back in and buys a Njoy stainless steel plug.


-Young couple looks at vibrators together. Actually, a few young couples do, all in a row, and leave.

-Woman comes in and examines our cock rings. She buys the C-Spot vibrator made by Good Vibrations.

-Couple comes in with a stroller and a baby. I wonder if my parents ever brought me somewhere naughty before I could remember?

-Friend of mine comes in. She is wearing a shirt for "Book of Mormon", the new Broadway musical by the makers of South Park. I am super jealous and giddy that she got to see it (it's only showing in New York).

-Two women ask me about harnesses. They buy the Spareparts Harness, which is our current top seller, and the acute dildo in purple, with a matching purple vibrating bullet.


-A group of 30 something year olds come in to laugh at the products. One guy buys a gag ball "as a joke". I ignore them as they mock our anal section. Bleh.

-Two older guys and a woman come in. One guy asks me if we have any chocolate penises. He then grabs a dildo, straps it around his neck and starts walking around the store saying "this is how men should be designed." The other guy who is looking at masturbation sleeves tells me I have a beautiful smile.

Aaaand let's end with that.

Rainy Weekend

This weekend the weather has been freakin' nuts at the shop! Yesterday at opening there was snow/hail (or as my friends call it, "snail") and then at closing we had a blackout. Luckily the intense weather has not deterred anyone from coming in, which can be a problem with crazy rainstorms.

This morning the weather seems to have calmed down.

-Right away two young ladies come in and shop around a little bit. They buy a seven speed g-spot vibrator, and our newest dildo, The Platinum. This dildo has bee selling like hotcakes, probably because it's simple and super affordable ($39.95).


-Big guy with curly hair and sunglasses asks me if we sell condoms. He buys lifestyles snugger fit condoms.

-Regular "visitor" (not really a customer since she never buys anything) comes in, circles the store, and then leaves. She does this every few days.

-Couple comes in to ask me if the library is open. They continue to leave and come back every few minutes, and them settle in our book corner reading to each other. I am calculating how long until I need to ask them to leave. Unlike a library, we can't have people sitting, reading books all day, since we intend to sell them. Also, people tend to dirty the books up and fold the pages, which make them harder to sell.

After around 40 minutes they get up and look at cock rings.

They leave.


-Young couple asks me about our most popular vibrators. The guy is very responsive to my advice and is obviously very into getting something. The girl is more reserved, and is hesitant to touch things when I display them. They leave without buying anything.

-Guy in bright yellow jacket walks in and out

-Two middle aged women come in, talking about things they have bought here before. They buy two tester packets of lube. They come back a half hour later and buy some leather cuffs.

-Man buys some Yes lubricant, the only FDA certified "organic" lubricant.


-Some friends drop by, but leave since the store is busy and I am working by myself. Gotta keep an eye on everyone!

-The couple from earlier (with the shy girl) comes back in and picks up a We-Vibe in red.


-A couple from Sacramento buys a tri-o cock ring, and a clit pump. They are very friendly and adorable to talk to.


-Apparently there is a big surfing convention in our town this weekend, hence all the tourists. The convention building is across the street. I like meeting all the tourists and hearing about the sex shops from their areas.

-Hot goth/punk chick asks me about pricing on leather cuffs. She is adorable and I think I fall in love for a minute.

-Jackass dude has a lady friend on speaker phone and is turning on toys and dropping them. He takes pictures of them and asks loud, obnoxious questions about vibrators. He asks me for what the best cheap one is, telling me he "ain't ever bought one before" (terrible grammar is a major turn off for me). He keeps calling his lady friend and making loud comments, like "Ugh! The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men!" (A book we carry) I can't wait for him to leave, and as he is walking out he keeps picking everything up and making annoying comments. Bleh.

-Woman comes in asking about "that vibrator that looks like a Pokemon". I knew that she was talking about the Form 2 by Jimmy Jane. She seemed very exited about it, especially since it is so quiet, yet so powerful. She gets one in black, and tells me if she had more money, she'd buy some for her friends.


Okay, that's it for today!

My birthday sex toys

Recently I had a birthday. (yay!)

Ever since I turned 19, I have always been gifted with sex toys on my birthday, for some strange, random, really unknown reason. Whenever my birthday rolls around my friends always try to find some new sex toy that I don't own. Strange, right? Super unexpected, not like I work in the industry or anything. Sarcasm aside, every year I get at least one unique toy. It's kind of fun.

For my 19th birthday my college dorm hall-mate bought me my first vibrator. Actually, he more "presented" it to me than "gave" it to me. We were sitting with our friends in the college dining hall and he starts singing and chanting and pulls out this very strange looking worm-creature thing and lowers it onto my plate. Honestly, I thought it was a child's toy.

Turns out it was a giant vibrator called "I Touch My Wormie". I aptly named it "Wormie" and only brought him out when showing friends the weird present that I got for my birthday. It was years later that I actually discovered how to actually use it, and learnt that it was meant for external play, like a Hitachi, verses internal play, which is what I originally thought it was meant for.

My 20th birthday I was gifted a pink jelly vibrator, which honestly I used less than three times. This was apparently to my good fortune, as a few months later it began to show signs of the material rotting. Note to sex toy users, know your materials! Jelly toys can rot, which is not genital friendly!

On my 21st birthday my then boyfriend gifted me with some homemade toys and outfits, as well as a book on how to become a dominant woman. I still have some of the things, but most, like the relationship, have fallen apart.

Skipping forward a few years, my birthday this year has pretty much blown the rest of them out of the water. With help from my coworker, my friends presented me with the ultimate sex toy, the Njoy 11. If you have never heard of the Njoy line before, you are missing out. The Njoys (http://www.njoytoys.com/) are stainless steel dildos and anal toys that are designed to work with the bodies sexual responses and feel really good for multiple uses. They are really beautiful in design and feel, and the metal warms up to your body. There are eight different models of Njoy toys, and the Njoy 11 is by far the largest one.

Oh yes, I own this thing. This toy is huge. So huge, I have referenced it before as the toy that I would beat a robber with if I ever needed a weapon. At about 3lbs, 2inches wide, and 11inches long, this thing will probably the most epic sex toy I will ever be gifted.

Customers of 2/27

This whole weekend has been freezing, so my night time shifts have mainly consisted of cleaning and inventory management. But behold! Sun appears and the people come in for their devious sexual apparatuses!

First off, my boss's 26th birthday is today, so last night she had a little late night party at the shop. When I come in the back office is a mess, but lucky for me she came in today to clean it all up.

-First customer of the day was a young college student who came in looking for garter belts, but ended up asking me lots of questions about the Under the Bed Restraint System, and whether it will work for her bed. Personally, I was gifted this when I was in college, so I was able to give her all the information she needed firsthand. She ended up purchasing them. Theses restraints are really good for someone who wants a little kink in their life, but nothing too intense.


-Two Asian girls shop around for vibrators. One buys a red Siri from Lelo. These have becoming increasingly popular lately. Strong, small, rechargeable vibrators that have really smooth silicone at the tip. She buys her friend a small three speed power bullet in blue. It was cute.


-Woman comes in asking for specific products that we do not sell. I try to find a vibrator that was close to what she described, but she leaves when I go to answer the phone. She was looking for deep vibrations verses high vibrations, which tends to be a little difficult in vibrators. She seemed interested in one of the large power bullets that we sell, but didn't like that we only had them in pink and white. I understand, I am too very particular about my toys.

-Woman on the phone is upset that the bullet that came with her dildo broke. She kept describing what happened to it to me, and when I explained to her that bullets are cheap and easily replaceable, she keeps talking about how it must be defective and broken. Let me just break this down for ya'll. A bullet (or power bullet as I sometimes refer to it as) is a small, barely two inch, vibrator that can be used, not limited to, clit stimulation and various body sensations. Many dildos will come with these toys because they are cheap and vibrate through silicone. But bullets do not last forever. They have a low battery life (barely an hour) and are not meant to last a lifetime. Therefore, it is not surprising if a bullet dies after a few months. Never fear, they are easily offered at most sex shops. Okay, back from that tangent. I offer her a free cheap one speed bullet. (we keep a pack of them behind the counter) She comes into the store about ten minutes later for the free bullet, and ends up buying a new one as well (we sell three speed bullets, but have a case of the one speeds behind the counter for replacements) and yet again keeps describing to me how weird it is that her bullet broke so easily.




-Man comes in asking about leather male thongs that we used to carry. He buys vibrating anal beads, explaining that his last ones broke.


-Man comes in and buys one blue bullet and one green bullet. Wow, popular item today.

-Woman comes in to buy a vibrating egg. Bigger than a bullet, but the same concept. She tells me that hers broke, since the batteries weren't replaceable. When I explain to her that the batteries are just AA batteries she pauses, trying to remember whether she knew that. She shrugs and tells me she'll just return this if that's the case. She gets huffy with me when I explain to her that we have a no return policy, unless the toy is defective. She still buys it, but is very harsh towards me when leaving. Bitch.


-Old woman with kickass pick and black stripped fingerless gloves asks me to make change for $100. I am out of $20 bills, so I can't.

-Photographer that I worked with once came in to ask about showing his work at the shop. I am mortified that I did not recognize him and he had to remind me who he was, and that we did a nudes shoot. I am flustered the rest of the time, embarrassed for not recognizing him. I have a poor memory for faces.

-Couple comes in. They linger around the lube and porn. While I am ringing up their purchase of massage lotion and a leather cock ring, the girl asks me abruptly how much it will cost all together. I look at her weirdly, since, well, I was ringing up the products. So if she waited like two seconds, she would find out. She makes her boyfriend pay for it all, and is snobby leaving the store. What is with people today?

-Tall individual in leather jacket walks around the store chuckling creepily at everything. They leave after a few minutes.

-Woman comes in to buy things for her boyfriends birthday. She buys some lube, pleasure wipes, and fishnet gloves.

-Middle aged couple buys a dvd on female ejaculation

It's about halfway through my shift and I have run out of things to do.

-Couple asks me about porn meant for women. They heard about it on Oprah. Kinda know what they are talking about, but annoyed when people just follow Oprah's advice on sex, especially when she has made bad recommendations. And I have watched many of the porn she recommends, and I'm pretty sure she has not watched them herself. They end up buying a silicone vibrator by Evolved. Simple, waterproof, three-speed. And the silicone is really smooth, which is nice.

A Gender Experiment

The sex shop that I work at hosts classes and workshops about once a week. These classes are incredibly popular, and usually sell out. We offer a range of topics from various local, and internationally famous educators. From lap dance instructional, to BDSM lectures, our course offerings are pretty interesting and fun.

Currently there is an interesting observation happening surrounding gender and the classes.

We have two classes being taught next week by the intelligent and lovely Oh Megan, a certified Sexuality Educator. http://ohmegan.com/ One is called "Oh! Ohh OHHHH! How to make her come back for more". The other is called "Blow Him Away: How to Please Your Man in Bed." Both are classes focused on how to make a partner of a particular gender orgasm and be sexually satisfied. The concept of both classes is fairly similar, she will be exploring erogenous zones, pleasure points, and tips on how to give please to your partner. The only real difference is that each are based around different genders. When being blunt I call these "orgasm classes".

We have "Orgasm classes" pretty often, sometimes offered from different instructors. Oh Megan has taught these classes here before, about a year ago I believe. They are always great classes to offer, because no matter how long you are sexually active, there is always something new to learn, be it about your partner or yourself.

Currently we have over a dozen sign ups for the Blow Him Away class, which is about half full. Being that it is next week, this is pretty good.

And how many sign ups do we have for the female orgasm class? None. Zip. Not one sign up.

This is where the current gender observation is occurring. Why is it that two classes, basically identical in structure, have such drastic differences in interest? Many of the employees and other spectators have made theories. Here are the most popular ones, and of course, my comments.

1. Men are not comfortable going to a class on female pleasure. It is socially unacceptable for a man to admit that he may not know everything there is about pleasing a lady. Guys are supposed to know about orgasm already, and going to the class is admitting failure.
----------

Okay...plausible...we do live in a society where women have more outlets to talk about sex (Sex in the City is a good example) but then again, the class is open to all genders. This isn't a class just for guys to please girls. Where are all the queer girls? Or women that just want to learn about their own bodies and orgasms? Men are not the only ones to look at when it comes to the emptiness of the class. Where are the ladies at?

2. Being a sex shop, we get more female than males in the store, so it is possible that men wouldn't be comfortable coming into the shop, even for a class.
----------We actually have an equal amount of customers that are of all genders. Our most common customers are actually couples, who together come in and browse. Actually, about ten minutes ago I was explaining the class schedule to a couple that was new to our store and their eyes lit up when they heard about the male orgasm class. So both genders were present, but they focused on the class that was based around him. But I have to admit, we tend to get groups of females who sign up together as a girls night out. We never get groups of male friends signing up for classes together.

3. The partner thinks they don't need to learn anything new, so why would they come to the class when they already know enough to please their partner?
----------Also, totally possible, and an interesting social observation. In my experience, in a heterosexual couple, females have a hard time expressing their sexual needs to their partner. And if they do not speak up, the partner may not even be aware that there is something to improve upon. Almost once a week I get a female asking me how to ask her boyfriend to do something, whether it's use a toy on her, or perform oral sex on her. And when I tell her, honestly, that the best way to get something is to ask, the woman usually explains that it makes her uncomfortable. But if the woman doesn't actually give any feedback or suggestions, then how will their partner know what to do, other than what they are already doing (which is not satisfying her).

Any other theories would be great to hear!